Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
