saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
