He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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