Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
