I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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