That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
