god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Fuck me I smell like cheese
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
