i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
