Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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