FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
