my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My ATM looks so different sober.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
