swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
