roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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