i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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