i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
