Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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