so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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