Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
there was a trapeze. enough said
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
