I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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