good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
My ATM looks so different sober.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
