Michael Bay diarrhea
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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