Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
