She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
