Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
