So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
FUCK WHALES
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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