i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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