Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
