Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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