Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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