oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
