You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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