I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
