I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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