Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i think my tv is drunk
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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