Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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