did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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