I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
