I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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