I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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