You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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