I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
