i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
