PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Randomize
