your thong is hanging out like whoa
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
