I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
