I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
