The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
