I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
