I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
