did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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