I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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