i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
