i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
