My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
