We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
should my penis look like a turkey
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
