Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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