My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
